I had just sat down to write in my journal, but my thoughts were scattered and I was starting to feel pressured by the clock. I only had 45 minutes before I needed to leave. I hadn’t writen anything today. I was thinking I should, but I didn’t. I was down on myself for “wasting” the morning away.
“I’m a f**king idiot who has nothing to offer.” That’s what I just heard myself tell myself. WTF? What am I going to do with the merciless judge and jury in my head?
Should I sit here and try to gather evidence that I am worthwhile? Should I debate the point? Should I make a list of my good qualities and try to convince myself that I actually do helpful and meaningful things and some people like me. I am not an idiot. And I do have something to offer. But for some reason, this inspector general is never satisfied. It always wants more. More more more more more more more.
Should I distract myself from this internal argument? The thought of a cookie passes through my mind. But I know I am not hungry. I could turn on the computer. I could turn on the radio, go sit in front of the tv, browse through Amazon or play a game of free cell. Any of these things would distract me from the angst I am feeling.
But I don’t feel like fighting or flighting.
I sit for a moment and observe. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I was happy just a few hours ago; but now I am low. Every feeling is temporary. This one feels like crap, let it pass through. Do not attach to it. Do not dive in and analyze, just observe.
I feel it dissolving. Just watch, it is a puff of smoke. I am lighter now. I am free.
Mental note: Don’t take that critic so seriously. It’s flimsy and weak. Don’t give it the power to bring you down.