Goodbye 2015

2016/01/01 § 8 Comments

ID-100383096

Image courtesy of chatchai_stocker at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

New Years Eve, 2015 – it kinda sucked, I’ve got to say.

Six months ago, my 25-year marriage ended. This was my first New Years Eve post-separation. It’s not like I’ve ever really celebrated NY Eve in a big way, but this year was pretty pitiful.

At work this morning, a co-worker innocently mentioned that she ran into my Ex and two of our friends at a bar last night. “Oh, we had a great time hanging out!  So much fun!  … What did you do for New Years?”

Well, let’s see. What did I do?  Hmmm. I spent some quality time curled up in a ball crying into my pillow. That was fun!

I don’t want to give the impression that I’m a complete basket case since the separation, I’m not. But it’s been painful to grieve this loss. The loneliness and isolation of it all took me by surprise. Starting over is scary – facing an unknown future, looking in the mirror and seeing an older version of myself staring back, wondering whether anyone will ever love me again.

This is a hard time. But it’s okay that it’s hard. You can’t grow if you never allow yourself to be uncomfortable. I know I will get through it. I know I will find my way to the other side.

In my own quiet, and fairly sad way last night, I said goodbye to 2015. And now I am ready to welcome in the new year. A whole new life is ahead of me, and how I shape that life is entirely up to me.

Life-altering changes like this offer us the opportunity to make very conscious choices about how we want to live, what we want to do with our finite time on this planet, and who we want to be. It may not be comfortable, but it’s good and worthwhile.

In 2016, I will find my new tribe. I will bring more friends into my life. I will learn to be kinder to myself. And I will move consciously and whole-heartedly forward into my new life.

[Published concurrently on The Huffington Post]

Me

2015/11/07 § Leave a comment

Flats of various colors and designs

Tank tops with cardigans

Curly hair

Long legs

Coffee – no sugar, no sweetener, no flavoring

Sunsets

Fresh flowers

Poetry

Classical music

The Jam, English Beat, Violent Femmes

Smiling

Sunshine

Dogs

Walks

Journals

Lists

Baking

Home cooking

A good cry

Therapy

Flight

Friends

Meditation

Introspection

Writing

Judgment

Quiet

Asthma inhaler

Two sizes too big

Thoughtfulness

Strength

Cold beer

Ginger ale

Busy

Caring

Courage

Critical eye

Unattached

Blue

Being loved

My Disappearance

2015/11/01 § 7 Comments

bridge-1330798612qavOver the course of the last two years, my life has been in flux. I moved 1600 miles away from my home, my oldest son and my best friend.  I left a 25-year marriage.  I gave up a 10-year career.  I have ceased to be a presence in a number of people’s lives, and they have ceased to be a presence in mine.

To some who love me, or used to love me, some friends, some relatives, quite a few colleagues and coworkers, and a handful of neighbors, in a way, I have disappeared. I no longer live next door. I no longer work with you. I no longer see you in the coffee shop each morning. You no longer read my words. You no longer stop in my office on your way down the hall. You no longer consider me your sister-in-law or your wife. We are no longer Facebook friends. I am no longer your lunch buddy or your team member. You no longer wave hello. You don’t see me at church. You don’t see me walking my dog down the street.

I don’t want to be overly dramatic, but it’s kind of weird.

I have a deep sense that I don’t know who I am anymore, and I’m starting to wonder if I ever really did.

I am in transition. I didn’t anticipate that this phase would last as long as it has or reach into as many areas of my life as it has reached. I had no idea when I started this journey two years ago that I would be where I am today.

This is the most important time of my life. I can feel it. Yet sometimes I am gripped by fear that I might let this moment slip through my fingers. But I have a sense that I won’t, that I’m not. I have a sense that something is happening within me that is momentous, even if it is only of consequence to me.

#NaBloPoMo

Realizations Upon Separation

2015/07/11 § Leave a comment

30 days after move-out day, these are the lessons I have learned:

  1. Levelness is not as necessary as I was led to believe. Over the course of the last 30 days, I have succeeded in hanging things from the wall without a level. They are relatively straight.

Note:  Listing will be expanded periodically, as new insights are revealed.

Seek Not for Love

2015/07/08 § Leave a comment

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.–A Course in Miracles

My task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within myself that I have built against it.

My task is not to seek for creativity, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within myself that I have built against it.

My task is not to seek for health, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within myself that I have built against it.

My task is not to seek for friendship, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within myself that I have built against it.

My task is not to seek for fortune, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within myself that I have built against it.

My task is not to seek for energy, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within myself that I have built against it.

My task is not to seek for authenticy, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within myself that I have built against it.

My task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all that barriers within myself that I have built against it.

Where Am I?

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