Full Moon Meditation

Tonight, the night of the full moon, I meditate.

Lying in a circle of mostly strangers in the grass.

In a park above the ocean. Cool and breezy. My sweater wrapped around my body.

Listening to our leader’s cues, imagining my body filled with light and energy, grounded to the earth.

I breath in deeply, then exhale, allowing my thoughts to settle, being gentle with myself.

I open my eyes and let them settle on the dark blue sky above me, allowing my body to sink into the soft grass.

When was the last time I lay in the grass and stared at the sky? In the cool night air? The sound of the waves filling my ears?

Soaking in the beauty of this moment, I am calm and at peace. And happy. And filled with love.

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I don’t understand …

I don’t understand why some dogs bark at all other dogs.

I don’t understand how anyone would think Donald Trump should be the actual president.

I don’t understand why it’s harder to lose weight than it is to lose your mind.

I don’t understand whether it’s better to have high expectations or low.

I don’t understand why people judge one another so harshly.

I don’t understand why it’s so hard to recognize our shared humanity.

 

On Running Late

I woke up 15 minutes early this morning in an attempt to not be late, because for the last few weeks, it seems that every day we (my teenage son and I) leave later and later. And so I thought today, I will not get on my phone right out of the shower. Because I love to lay back down in bed right out of the shower and grab my phone. But that always makes me late. Because if I get on my phone, somehow like one minute turns into 15 mintues. And then I get dressed, and then I make the lunches, and then I put my makeup on, and then I’m late. So today I thought I would make our lunches before I got dressed for work. And not get on my phone.

I started to bring my lunch to work recently in an effort to eat less crap (carbs and processed foods). So now I make a lettuce wrap, apple slices, a bag of nuts and a bag of veggies for myself and I make a sandwich and a bag of apple slices for my son. But this is like 6 baggies of food and what used to take just a couple of minutes now takes like 10 minutes. And then there’s the thing about starting the day with a little protein, so I usually peel two hard boiled eggs, one for each of us, with some salt and pepper, to eat before we go. And then I usually try to make myself a quick cup of coffee. So I have to add a couple of minutes for that as well.  And I’m moving fast here, but this is a lot to do in the morning.

© Green308 | Dreamstime Stock Photos

© Green308 | Dreamstime Stock Photos

I have a problem with always thinking I can fit one more task into a limited period of time. This is why I am always late. If you know me, you know I am pretty much always late. I once texted my friend who was waiting for me at the nail salon and I was late, because I had left the house late, but I still thought I would have time to grab an Iced Latte at Starbucks before our manicures, so I texted her from the drive-thru when I realized I was really quite late, and I accidentally texted, “I’m going to be a little latte,” which was funny, but it was really just a mistype.

Late people are sometimes accused of being disrespectful. And perhaps it is disrespectful to leave someone waiting, but I swear we mean no disrespect. We just want to get one more thing done. Slide one more accomplishment into that last little sliver of time. Push ourselves just a little bit more to get it all finished. Because if we do it all, we will feel so good and proud. We are do-ers. We need to keep do-ing. So that no one is let down and everything is done and nothing is left undone, by us.

My Disappearance

Over the course of the last two years, my life has been in flux. I moved 1600 miles away from my home, my oldest son and my best friend.  I left a 25-year marriage.  I gave up a 10-year career.  I have ceased to be a presence in a number of people’s lives, and they have ceased to be a presence in mine.

To some who love me, or used to love me, some friends, some relatives, quite a few colleagues and coworkers, and a handful of neighbors, in a way, I have disappeared. I no longer live next door. I no longer work with you. I no longer see you in the coffee shop each morning. You no longer read my words. You no longer stop in my office on your way down the hall. You no longer consider me your sister-in-law or your wife. We are no longer Facebook friends. I am no longer your lunch buddy or your team member. You no longer wave hello. You don’t see me at church. You don’t see me walking my dog down the street.

I don’t want to be overly dramatic, but it’s kind of weird.

I have a deep sense that I don’t know who I am anymore, and I’m starting to wonder if I ever really did.

I am in transition. I didn’t anticipate that this phase would last as long as it has or reach into as many areas of my life as it has reached. I had no idea when I started this journey two years ago that I would be where I am today.

This is the most important time of my life. I can feel it. Yet sometimes I am gripped by fear that I might let this moment slip through my fingers. But I have a sense that I won’t, that I’m not. I have a sense that something is happening within me that is momentous, even if it is only of consequence to me.

#NaBloPoMo

Seek Not for Love

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.–A Course in Miracles

My task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within myself that I have built against it.

My task is not to seek for creativity, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within myself that I have built against it.

My task is not to seek for health, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within myself that I have built against it.

My task is not to seek for friendship, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within myself that I have built against it.

My task is not to seek for fortune, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within myself that I have built against it.

My task is not to seek for energy, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within myself that I have built against it.

My task is not to seek for authenticy, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within myself that I have built against it.

My task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all that barriers within myself that I have built against it.

Climbing the Mountain

Today was my tenth hike up this mountain.

It is a 1567 foot climb in elevation, a 4 mile loop.

It’s hard for me to climb this mountain. I am 50 lbs. overweight. I have asthma. I am not yet as fit as I want to be.

But I did it. And that makes me feel really good.

Not everyone climbed a mountain today.  But I did.

One day I may be one of those people who run up this mountain, or one of the ones who can carry a conversation right up to the top, or one of the ones who appear to barely break a sweat.

But right now, I am the one stopping every few minutes to catch her breath. I am the one letting others pass. I am the one wondering if my legs will give out. I am the one stopping to use my inhaler.

I am also the one taking in every ounce of refreshment from that cool breeze, and I am, quite possibly, one of the most grateful upon reaching the summit.20140928_090151

I am the one smiling all the way down, blessing every part of my body with gratitude. I am the one feeling very proud of herself.

Because it doesn’t matter how many people passed me, it doesn’t matter how many stops I made, and it doesn’t matter how slow I climbed.

It only matters that I got up this morning and did what I said I was going to do and that I kept moving upward, even when I wanted to turn back down.

Today was my tenth hike up this mountain, and for that I am very proud.

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Critic, move on

I had just sat down to write in my journal, but my thoughts were scattered and I was starting to feel pressured by the clock. I only had 45 minutes before I needed to leave. I hadn’t writen anything today.  I was thinking I should, but I didn’t. I was down on myself for “wasting” the morning away.

“I’m a f**king idiot who has nothing to offer.”  That’s what I just heard myself tell myself.  WTF?  What am I going to do with the merciless judge and jury in my head?

Should I sit here and try to gather evidence that I am worthwhile? Should I debate the point? Should I make a list of my good qualities and try to convince myself that I actually do helpful and meaningful things and some people like me. I am not an idiot. And I do have something to offer. But for some reason, this inspector general is never satisfied. It always wants more. More more more more more more more.

Should I distract myself from this internal argument? The thought of a cookie passes through my mind. But I know I am not hungry. I could turn on the computer. I could turn on the radio, go sit in front of the tv, browse through Amazon or play a game of free cell. Any of these things would distract me from the angst I am feeling.

But I don’t feel like fighting or flighting.

I sit for a moment and observe. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I was happy just a few hours ago; but now I am low. Every feeling is temporary. This one feels like crap, let it pass through. Do not attach to it. Do not dive in and analyze, just observe.

I feel it dissolving. Just watch, it is a puff of smoke. I am lighter now. I am free.

Mental note: Don’t take that critic so seriously. It’s flimsy and weak. Don’t give it the power to bring you down.

Today I’ll defer to the dog

 

My inner critic has run amuck, haranguing me with disapproval. I am resisting its critique of my worthiness and capabilities. Then I remember, don’t resist. What you resist persists. Observe without attachment. Observe without attachment. But I have attached and internalized its assessment of me.

I’ve got to shake this mood.

Take a walk. I grab the leash. The dog is so happy he knocks himself over with his exuberant tail wagging. We take off down the street–a mile and a half round the corner, up the hill and back. The sun is shining. The weather is perfect. We both feel good and happy and fulfilled.

I am back to work. He naps on the floor beside me. For the rest of the day, I’ll defer to the dog’s judgment of my worthiness. He thinks I’m pretty spiffy. What else do I need?

Weekly Writing Challenge: Lunch Post 

Frustrated? Take a gratitude break.

First published on Huffington Post, June 25, 2013.

Is there someone in your life whose mere presence drives you crazy?

Has a certain situation got you all stirred up, but you’re not sure how to fix it?

Have you ever been completely convinced you were right, yet no one else seems to care?

Yes! Yes! And yes! We’ve all been there. And how do we usually handle it when we are bothered and frustrated and can’t seem to shake it off? Maybe some of these strategies sound familiar:

  • We play out the complaint, the conversation, or the annoying behavior in our minds repeatedly.
  • We bitch and moan to anyone who will listen until they agree with our point of view.
  • We try to fix the problem by analyzing every detail, every possible scenario.
  • We have an imaginary conversation with the object of our discontent — a few hundred times — until we are convinced we know how it is all going to play out.

While these strategies may make us feel good for a moment or leave us with a sense of superiority, the gratification is fleeting. You have to admit — rehashing our grievances doesn’t change anything nor does it really make us feel any better.

The other day I found myself wallowing in protest over a certain state of affairs, and it was getting the best of me. I went over it and over it in my head. I found a friend and explained it to her. I sent a text to my husband and griped to him about it. My shoulders were slumped and I wished I had a box of cookies to wash down how upset I was about the situation.

But being upset wasn’t solving anything. I needed to shift my focus away from my complaint and break free from the state of negativity I had gotten myself into. I looked out the window and told myself to find one thing I was grateful for. It didn’t take long. The sun was shining, glistening off the water in the fountain outside my office. That brought a smile to my face. I sat there for a moment and soaked it in — not just the sun — but I soaked in the smile too. I allowed myself to feel the glow of appreciation for a beautiful, sunshiny day.

Whatever we fill our minds with, that is the energy we will live in. If we fill our minds with faultfinding, we live in a state of blame and negativity. If we fill our minds with praise and gratitude, we will live in a state of deep satisfaction.

The energy of gratitude is higher-level energy. It is life-affirming. It builds up rather than tears down. When we find ourselves fixated and upset, it helps if we can shine a little light on what is good, what is right, what is working.

No one, or no thing, is all bad. We can always find a little ray of sunshine. If the current situation (or a certain person) in your life is bothering you, see if you can find something in it (or in the person) to be grateful for.

Having a problem with a coworker? Think about an aspect of your work you love, and pour yourself into it.

Are you upset about the choices your child, friend, or spouse is making? Think about how they make you laugh or feel loved, and how grateful you are that they are part of your life.

If you haven’t been feeling well, focus on and praise whatever health you are experiencing. Do you feel strong? Can you breathe in deeply? Appreciate your healthy body.

Tired of one of your own bad habits? Shift your attention to one of your accomplishments. Allow yourself to feel proud and powerful.

And if you can’t find anything about your current situation to be grateful for, be grateful for something else — any appreciation will do. Once we think of one good thing, then we think of another, and another.

Focusing on the good lifts us into a state where our creativity resides with power, confidence, encouragement, love, and blessing. When we are in this state, we step into our true power.

The funny thing is that I never “solved” any of those issues I was so upset about the other day, but I don’t care. None of it was mine to “solve” in the first place. The biggest problem I had was allowing myself to get sucked into a state of negativity, which left me incapable of creating anything of value. I was uninspired and defeated. When I shifted my focus to gratitude, I was able to rise above it and move on.

In the end, it comes down to simply finding something that is working, something that makes us happy — some strength, quality, or experience that reminds us how wonderful life truly is. Hang on to that little ray of sunshine until your state of mind shifts.

Peace and blessings to you!

Don’t Think. Get Up!

First published on Huffington Post, January 2, 2013.

Where do you fall with the New Year’s resolutions question? Are you a fan?

There is certainly an argument to be made that resolutions are not particularly effective or that they assume we need to be different than we are — thinner, better, richer, wiser — to be happy or feel fulfilled.

I agree that it is easy to miss the mark when setting New Year’s resolutions, but I can’t resist the temptation to set them. I love any opportunity for a fresh start.

I keep my resolutions affirmative. My aim is not to resolve to be better than I am, but to be as

good as I am — allowing myself to grow into my divine purpose and potential.

As I set my goals, I include an intention, affirming the qualities I am willing to be. My goals look something like this:

Goal: I am developing a habit of daily exercise and healthy, conscious eating.
Intention affirmation: I am fit, healthy, and beautiful.

Goals like this work for me. I state the action I intend to take and affirm how I will show up in the world — as my natural, beautiful, healthy self.

But the purpose of today’s post is not to offer a how-to on goal-setting — that subject is handled well by many other writers at this time of year. My offering for the new year is to share one simple tip.

My one tip is not particularly spiritual or deep, but it is practical and effective, and it can be summed up in four words:

Don’t think. Get up!

When the alarm goes off in the morning, do you hit the snooze button or get out of bed?

Whether you want to lose weight, get fit, write a novel, find a new job, de-stress, deepen your spiritual practice, pray, meditate, act more mindfully, study more, finish school — it doesn’t matter — our morning routines sets the tone for the rest of the day.

A while back, I read an article by a young monk who related having difficulty getting out of bed for 4:00 a.m. meditation. He realized that when the alarm went off, his thoughts would start to churn. He’d think about how early it was, how cold it was, how tired he was. Thinking was causing him to suffer. So he practiced getting out of bed without thought, detaching from the mental chatter so that he could simply slip out of bed and begin his meditation.

His advice resonated with me. So I hung up a little sign next to my bed: Don’t think. Get up!

I put this tip to use in starting my morning meditation routine. When the alarm would go off, I’d roll out of bed and head right into the shower without allowing my mind to argue for my other options. By the time I finished showering, I was fully awake and alert. Since I had gotten up quickly, I had time to sit in meditation for 20 minutes before waking up my son for school.

We humans can talk ourselves out of anything. Mental chatter can sabotage our goals and intentions any time of the day. We are continuously putting things off until tomorrow. But when we start the day with our intended goals accomplished — fulfilling the promises we made to ourselves the night before — it gives us energy and momentum to do even more throughout the day.

So when the alarm goes off, get up. Say yes to the life you want to live.

When we stop hitting the snooze button — literally and metaphorically — we not only gain five minutes, 10 minutes, 15 or 20 — we also gain momentum, pride and confidence.

Use the time to run a 20 minute interval on the treadmill or make an egg-white omelet or pack a salad for lunch. Use it to sit in the silence and breathe in the breath of life. Use it to write a page on your novel before leaving for work or walk the dog or pray. Use it to read something inspirational or write in your journal.

I find the hardest thing to overcome when adopting a new routine is just getting started. So in the first moments of the day, take advantage of an empty mind and simply get up and get moving. Once we’re in motion, we stay in motion!

Good luck with all that you desire for yourself in 2013. Let’s make it a great year.

— Laura

For more by Laura Harvey, click here.